disillusioned

i cannot do this any more
disillusioned- have lost all hope.
perfect case of the mopes.
know that i am loved. so?

my thoughts turn to giving up;
leaving, fleeing this old dump.
but how can i? my time's not come
or perhaps i am done.

my hold on sanity feels weak
i have no faith, so cannot leap
from my life to a higher peak:
better, greener, safe for me.

am i just a coward- dame?
is this dull ache solely pain?
is this life worth the strain
of waking up day after day after day?

i do not know for what i search
i do not find it in your church
nor among my friends am i
content to be until i die.

am i ungrateful, a horrid child?
do i deserve all those sweet smiles
that i receive from loved and loved-by
who yet can't fathom what am i?

i am me. what does that mean?
is there still a soul beneath?
humanity? a human being?
someone worth having the life i lead?

pain means nothing more to me,
nor frustration, nor apathy.
i have become so used to these
they are now a part of me.

and so i slip into a sleep
half awake, half in dreams.
i am me. what does that mean?
who can solve that mystery?

yeah, so i'm rather depressed. so what? i'll get over it. survival is as much a question of time as it is of fitness.
i do want to give up on everything: my class, my responsibilities, reconcile myself to a lonely, misanthropic life.